A Shrewdness of Apes

An Okie teacher banished to the Midwest. "Education is not the filling a bucket but the lighting of a fire."-- William Butler Yeats

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Summer's lease hath all too short a date

It's hard to believe how quickly summer break has zipped along-- and we are not even officially IN summer yet. I have been trying to get serious about fitness this summer, now that it has become common knowledge that I am the reason why Pluto was downgraded from full-sized planet status- really, how can Pluto compete with my keister? Answer: It can't. I mean, I am afraid of going waterskiing on the Mississippi for fear that, if I fall in, another levee will be breached and I will be solely responsible for yet another town to have sandbagged for nothing. I am here to tell you that I once met Sir Mix-a-Lot and Freddie Mercury, and yes, those three songs are MY FAULT, and if Nelly had met me first, he would have been rapping about "Boulder Bottoms," not "Apple Bottoms."

And let's face it: teaching is NOT conducive to fitness. The stress makes you exhausted, so you're too tired to work out. You have a hard time sleeping, which numerous studies have implicated in the inability to lose weight. If you forget your lunch, you have to eat starch-crammed cafeteria food. You get ten minutes to eat. And now I have to take cholesterol medicine, and my blood-pressure is creeping up toward normal-- which, for me, is high. And my knees are beginning to hurt. So I need to get going.

So I have decided to get back into biking (new bike!), and the Hubster decided that perhaps a personal trainer might also be a good thing to get me in shape for the biking-- and, doubtless, to spare him from the whining about agonizing muscle pain. We are members at the YMCA, and so I contacted a personal trainer who seemed to be a good fit from her description, avoiding the personal trainer WHO IS THE FATHER OF A STUDENT, because, really, can you work out when you're freaked out about whether a parent is going to be thinking about your cottage-cheese thighs blossoming out of work-out clothes as you strain away at a Nautilus machine the next time parent-teacher conference time comes up?

Nonononononono. Getting my fat arse going is hard enough without adding in layers of psychological trauma, thankyewverrymuch.

So I called this gal. And then I waited. And walked on the treadmill and tried to get myself started anyway.

After several days, I gave up, and called another gal. And I waited. And played tennis with the kids while listening to two half-nekkid foul-mouthed macho men curse at each other on the next court over. IKYN. Including the frequent use of a word, that, if you love Bull Durham like I do, you will recall is one of the few words that will immediately get one tossed from a ballgame if one uses it to refer to an umpire. Explaining that word to my middle child was LOADS of fun.

I thought about calling the Y and simply asking for the number of a personal trainer who actually WANTED a new client, but I had been assured that they were ALL open for new clients. So apparently, there is TIME, and there is "Y TIME." It's like the Caribbean concept of "MaƱana."

So just now? Within hours of each other? They BOTH called back. The annoyance is that the one who called first seems to be the least certain already that she can fit her schedule into mine, even though I am OFF FOR THE SUMMER, so what does that mean? Thus, I may end up with the second one.

But all I want is for there to be less of me.

UPDATE: Yes, while out on the golf course I got a phone call from gal number one needing to reschedule. NOT a surprise. So I told her to "never mind" and I'll try gal number two. I have so far spent THREE WEEKS trying to get to see a personal trainer. I could have knitted one by now.

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At 6/18/08, 12:06 PM, Blogger cupcake said...

See, when I read this, I think to myself, "It's a sign from God." If you were MEANT to ruin your summer - I mean, get fit - then a trainer would have taken your call the first time, set up an appointment at your earliest convenience, and given you a discount.

But you hit one wall after another. That's a good enough workout, isn't it?

At 6/18/08, 1:09 PM, Anonymous Mrs. Chili said...

You are a RIOT. We're all a LOT harder on our own asses than is strictly necessary; I'm sure it's not as bad in reality as it is in your own mind.

Good luck with the trainer. Finding a good one can be challenging, I'll warn you, but once you do, it can make all the difference.

At 6/18/08, 2:16 PM, Blogger OKP said...

Good luck and stay with it. I read your post and thought -- "It's not just me." I found spots for 10 old-friend pounds over the last month.

I will know that you and I are trying for 'less' within the next, what, 56 days?

At 6/18/08, 2:18 PM, Anonymous Betty said...

I hear you loud and clear. I went swim suit shopping today and came home thinking of cottage cheese, and not in a good way. Thanks for such a funny post.

At 6/18/08, 5:36 PM, Blogger NYC Educator said...

If you're looking to lose weight, I highly recommend a book called Sugar Busters. It's a diet that's easy to follow, and one you can keep without feeling deprived. It's at your local public library. I lost 40 pounds maybe five years ago and haven't found them yet.

At 6/18/08, 7:44 PM, Blogger Fred said...

If only I could cut out the beer...

At 6/19/08, 2:29 PM, Blogger MommyProf said...

Good for you, Mrs. C. You are an inspiration.

At 6/19/08, 2:58 PM, Blogger "Ms. Cornelius" said...

Yes, cupcake, that thought DID cross my mind. But I lived my summers the other way for the last few years, and look at the astronomical consequences!

Mrs chili, thanks for the kind words, but I weigh TWICE what I weighed when I graduated from high school. And unless I gfind out that I actually have a parasitic twin inside me somewhere, that ain't cool.

okp, let's make a pact to USE those 56 days!

betty, swimsuits and mirrors played a LARGE (and I mean large!) part in this decision. And then watching the pool overflow when I got in.

nyc- I will look that one up. But given that I have been on weightwatchers with no results, I know I need to get moving, too.

Fred, life without beer is very unhoppy. (Snort!)

Mommyprof, I just want less specific density.

At 6/20/08, 11:39 PM, Anonymous Thomas said...

Biking is wonderful exercise to loose weight if you want additional motivation just look at current gas prices.

At 6/23/08, 10:10 AM, Blogger EHT said...

Yes, teaching is hard on the old body.....I gave up on the trainer bit and just began to starve myself and use the church gym to walk (need a flat surface). I notice a little difference, but not much.

Good luck with your efforts.

At 6/23/08, 5:36 PM, Blogger Fred said...

You should snort. Good one.

At 7/2/08, 6:56 AM, Blogger Lightly Seasoned said...

You go for it! Teaching is rough on the body and health. I felt like a blob my first year -- I didn't put on that much weight (enough, though!), but I got so flabby from sitting on my kiester at night grading papers instead of getting some exercise.

I did make it a priority last year to get exercise -- walk/hike the dogs or ride my horse -- every day. Paired with weight watchers, that worked for me. A few pounds re-found me on vacation over the last couple of weeks (four days of driving and eating out a lot... but I had to... I was in Boston and the food here in the Midwest is AWFUL... ).

At 7/4/08, 6:19 AM, Anonymous Sven said...

Good Job! :)


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