A Shrewdness of Apes

An Okie teacher banished to the Midwest. "Education is not the filling a bucket but the lighting of a fire."-- William Butler Yeats

Monday, July 09, 2007

Let the language geeks rejoice: We've Got Puns!

Okay, my husband sent these, and they ARE delicious!


It is said that the ability to make and understand puns is the highest level of language development. The ability to make puns that don't make ordinary people shudder transcends the language skills of even the most adept.

Here then, are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:


Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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3 Comments:

At 7/9/07, 9:12 PM, Blogger jonathan said...

I wander into science classes and pun away:

You knew this already:

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

But how about these three, one a day?

Some atomic particles are sitting at a bar. Bartender offers another, the proton refuses. "Are you sure?" "I'm positive"

The other particles notice the electron staring at a girl. "Go talk to her!" "Nah, she'll just turn me down" "Why are you always so negative?"

So the night is ending, and the neutron offers to settle up. "Nothing doing" says the bartender. "For you, no charge"

 
At 7/10/07, 9:20 AM, Blogger "Ms. Cornelius" said...

Excellent! I particularly like the last one!

 
At 7/10/07, 11:23 AM, Blogger Jennie said...

Thank you. Those made my day. I would also have to give a round of applause to the last one. Just, awesome!

 

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