A Shrewdness of Apes

An Okie teacher banished to the Midwest. "Education is not the filling a bucket but the lighting of a fire."-- William Butler Yeats

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Too much 411-- thanks for sharing!

I would like to write an open letter to a parent with whom I have had much correspondence.


Dear Mrs. Munchausen,

I am sure your daughter has been truly sick the last nine times she has been absent or late to school. Really. But I do not need to know every. single. gory. detail. of her unwellness.

Thus far this week you have vivdly described her menstrual cramps in the subject line(!) of email correspondence to me. In the subject line! Those details about your child are now stored on who knows how many servers!

In the past few months, you have assured me that your child has had diarrhea, fevers, hives, anaphylactic shock, and three bouts of the stomach flu, all in amazingly gory technicolor detail. It has gotten to the point where I am afraid to open any emails from you for fear of losing my (non-existent) breakfast-- no doubt in a dull and pedestrian manner compared to the projectile vomiting fit you described to me last month. (You see, to me, this is an act which I do not do well, whereas you seem to view it as a form of performance art.) You have reported to me every single stomach cramp your child has had since December.

Please, allow your child some shred of dignity. I am certain she would be mortified to know that her teacher has so much intimate knowledge of her bodily emissions.

Sincerely,
I'm A Teacher, Not an Internist



Ahh. I feel better now. Have you ever had this happen to you? Does it make you a wee bit suspicious? Or am I the only person cursed to have parents with no sense of personal space?

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14 Comments:

At 3/13/07, 10:12 PM, Blogger La Maestra said...

My favorite was the parent whose note said:

"Please excuse [childname] yesterday. He had explosive diahar...diurah...diruhe...feses.

 
At 3/14/07, 7:54 AM, Blogger Karla with a K said...

Is it possible that the offending e-mails are originating from the child herself? Just sayin'...

 
At 3/14/07, 9:14 AM, Anonymous ed at aft said...

Oh to have such parental involvement. I had the opposite. One kid came to class the day after leaving the hospital for appendicitis because his home life was that bad.

 
At 3/14/07, 9:28 AM, Anonymous Tense Teacher said...

No, you're not alone... I was in the office one morning last week and got to read an excuse note which said that the absent boy had "dying rear" and should be excused from class if he was in danger of having the "runs" again.

 
At 3/14/07, 9:41 AM, Blogger fillyjonk said...

Well, I'm a college prof AND a biologist (but not a medical-type biologist; a botanist-type biologist) so I get the gory details straight from my students.



sometimes they ask me what I think they should "do" for whatever leaking, swelling, pusfilled thing they are currently dealing with.

As I am not a doctor and do not carry malpractice insurance, I tell them I don't know, but they probably should go to a doctor.

I also get the hair-raising "life stories" explanations - where you need a score card to keep the various in-laws, outlaws, and exes apart...I've learned to look VERY disinterested and to sort of wave people off when they come to me saying "I was absent from class today because I had to testify in court!"

I really don't want to know why. Trust me, I REALLY don't want to know why. Please don't share the reason why with me.

 
At 3/14/07, 12:13 PM, Blogger graycie said...

I haven't had the parental version, but I've had kids who want to share --- Quite a few years ago I tried to teach a young lady whose mom died in surgery three (count'em THREE) times in one school year.

Sigh.

 
At 3/14/07, 3:47 PM, Blogger "Ms. Cornelius" said...

No, unfortunately, it's the mom. And I am so grossed out.

At least she an spell these things correctly, but STILL!
Ewwwwwww.

 
At 3/14/07, 6:59 PM, Blogger Ron Davison said...

Absolutely hilarious! Bravo!

 
At 3/14/07, 8:22 PM, Blogger QuakerDave said...

Dear Mrs. Munchausen...

ROTFL...

 
At 3/15/07, 8:13 PM, Blogger "Ms. Cornelius" said...

Yay! I got another email today!

 
At 3/15/07, 8:59 PM, Blogger elementaryhistoryteacher said...

At least you get notes. I very rarely get notes at all, therefore most of my students have unexcused absences......many of them. :)

 
At 3/15/07, 11:52 PM, Blogger Mrs. T said...

I am usually pretty open about stuff, but when it comes to diarrhea or other bodily functions, I am a bit of a prude. I would be mortified to tell the world that I had diarrhea- and certainly would never have wanted to share such information with my teachers.

 
At 3/19/07, 6:35 PM, Blogger The MAN Fan Club said...

Yes, when a student turns in 6 past due writing assignments in the parent's handwriting. When questioned the parent said the students was too ill to write it in her own hand.

 
At 3/20/07, 12:30 PM, Blogger "Ms. Cornelius" said...

How wonderful that the wee weak thing dictated all her answers to her dedicated mama, though perilously clinging to the precipice!

But did she see a doctor, if she was so unwell? Which is somehow something my little darling never has done either....

 

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