A Shrewdness of Apes

An Okie teacher banished to the Midwest. "Education is not the filling a bucket but the lighting of a fire."-- William Butler Yeats

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Here's an idea--Survivor: Oklahoma

You know, we Okies are a long-suffering lot. We put up with people thinking we all live in teepees. Or, as my friend just reminded me, people think of the musical rather than the actual place or they've seen the movie and wonder why there aren't mountains near Claremore and I feel like screaming: "Because it was shot in California!" Just like another movie I've been talking about recently-- hint, hint-- which was also set in Oklahoma. Unlike Dances With Wolves which was supposed to be set in Oklahoma but then wasn't because, I guess, Kevin Costner couldn't find enough buffalo or prairie without a dormant oil well on it.

But anyway, everyone thinks we talk like the Joads—or worse, like Reba McIntyre. Now, here comes this: the scary naked guy from the first Survivor is apparently going to be our guest for about 51 months:
PROVIDENCE, R.I. - Richard Hatch has been sent to a federal prison in Oklahoma as he serves a 51-month prison sentence for failing to pay taxes on the $1 million he won on the debut season of the reality TV show, "Survivor."

Hatch arrived several days ago at the Federal Transfer Center in Oklahoma City, Okla. It was not immediately clear why Hatch was moved or whether he will serve out his prison sentence at the facility, which is a hub for prisoners transferring through the federal system.

A federal jury convicted Hatch in January of failing to pay taxes on the "Survivor" prize and other income. He was sentenced in May to 51 months in prison by a judge who said the reality TV star had lied repeatedly on the witness stand.

Hatch had previously been held at the Plymouth County Correctional Facility in Massachusetts.

But then there’s my favorite part of the story (emphasis mine):
Hatch would prefer to serve his sentence near family in Rhode Island or in Florida, said his lawyer, Michael Minns.

"He should be in a camp," said Hatch's attorney, Michael Minns. "The camps are the most comfortable of the uncomfortable. They are still jails, but they get to see the sky and be outside. It's bad for Richard, who is an outdoor person."

Now, I don’t know whether to be repulsed (well, actually, yes I do) or insulted. I mean really, we provide him with a lovely facility right near Will Rogers Airport, and he wants to be at CAMP??! And do we really want Flabby Naked Guy to be comfortable?

But hey, Richard—this is Oklahoma. We’ve got plenty of “outside.”

Let’s just pray he keeps his clothes on.

****UPDATE: It was announced on August 3 that the Happy State of West Virginia will now have the pleasure of Mr. Naked Guy's company. I dunno-- this may provoke another secession from the State that Seceeded from a Seceeding State during the "War of Northern Aggression," as my pal Trent Lott would say.


At 7/25/06, 11:11 AM, Blogger Fred said...

I'm happy I was living in Europe during the first season of Survivor. I missed all the excitement.

I'm with you - clothes on, please.

At 7/25/06, 1:46 PM, Anonymous MellowOut said...

I don't know why, but your title made me think more of the cast of Survivor doing a revival of the musical "Oklahoma!" rather than Hatch going to prison. But the thought of him in orange makes me smile!

At 7/25/06, 3:41 PM, Blogger "Ms. Cornelius" said...

Now there's an image which will no doubt be grasped by some desperate Broadway functionary:

Survivor: the Musical! With choreoraphy by Twila Tharp!

At 7/25/06, 3:49 PM, Blogger "Ms. Cornelius" said...

mellowout, you reminded me of another thing, and now I've had to go back and rewrite the opening... :-)

At 7/25/06, 5:42 PM, Blogger quakerdave said...

Still waiting for y'all to explain Senator Inhofe to me. Man, I thought that Colburn guy was bad...

At 7/25/06, 5:55 PM, Blogger Polski3 said...

Playing SURVIVOR in OK....lets see...

* having to eat what passes (or at least used to pass for, or be called "Mexican Food" in OK.

* Having to sit in the visitors section of the stands at the OU - UTx football game

* races to, and having to negotiate a series of locks to get into a tornado shelter

* building a fire and cooking a "cowboy" meal using cow chips for fuel

* sitting in an un-airconditioned Baptist/Methodist/Church of Christ revival meeting for at least three hours. (yes, ya may have one of those little hand-held fans as long as it has a picture of "Aur Lard and Savior" on it or some other religious theme...

* building a sod hut to live in.

* plowing 40 acres.....furrows must be straight or ya do it 'till ya get it right. On an old IH or JD tractor, with no cab or a/c.

* running liquor from a 'wet county' to a dry county without getting caught or consuming the profits.....

* catching at least a dozen fireflies in a mason jar.

Anything else? ;-)

At 7/25/06, 9:10 PM, Blogger Tim said...

I've already been on Survivor: Oklahoma. It was called ROTC Summer Training at Tinker AFB (with a relaxing side trip for a week of "camping" at Fort Sill). What fun! :-)

At 7/26/06, 8:52 AM, Blogger Independent George said...

I just don't get how you can be stupid enought to try and evade taxes for money you earned on the #1 rated show on television. Seriously - 40 million or so watched him get his $1M. I can't remember, but did he ever get photographed at a press conference with a giant novelty check like lottery winners? Even if CBS forgot to send him his 1099, he'd still have that giant novelty check (how great would it be to staple that to a tax return?). How does anybody think they can get away with not reporting that?

At 7/26/06, 8:54 AM, Blogger Independent George said...

Anybody else think that a bunch of TV producers read this story, and thought to themselves, "hmmm... I think we can make a show out of this..."

At 7/26/06, 10:21 AM, Anonymous MellowOut said...

Oh no...now they're going ot film him in prison, aren't they? This guy is going to get a talk show and a book deal, and here I thought we were rid of him!

Ms.C, every time I hear or read "Oklahoma", I am reminded of our high school musical during my junior year. The parent booster group had t-shirts printed up for the cast and crew, but they read: "OAKlahoma!" instead of the correct spelling. Yes, a parent ordered those.

At 7/26/06, 1:27 PM, Blogger "Ms. Cornelius" said...

quakerdave: that's inexplicable. Inhofe started off as mayor of Tulsa when I was a wee tot, and we all knew he was dumber than a bag of hammers. I mean, the wheel is turning, but the hamster is DEAD.

Now Steve Largent, I can explain. See, he was a FOOTBALL player, and FOOTBALL means everything. Same thing with J. D. Watts.

And hey Colburn is the intellectual of the bunch-- 'cause he's a real medical doctor! Woooo- eee....

Polski, HA! you got it about right, 'ceptin' you forgot rattlesnake huntin.' The Mexican food is better now that there are more Mexicans in Oklahoma, though. The old Mexican food was bad because it was actually made by Texans.

Of course, if Okies played, they'ds sneak onto the set early and claim the prime spots-- it's a state tradition!

Tim, see, Tinker is practically right on top of where they're gonna keep Richie boy. And if you didn't get at least one tornado, then they gave you the "vacation" package.

IG, I hope you're right about the producers, and I want a finder's fee! And you would think that someone who was that crafty would understand the basics of living in this country which is: practically EVERYONE watches reality TV (except me).

mellowout, did you hear me screaming just then? That was classic-- almost as bad as the postal worker who told my husbdan he had to have international postage to mail a parcel to his mom in New Mexico....

At 7/26/06, 2:52 PM, Anonymous MellowOut said...

My parents just recently sold those t-shirts at a garage sale (Between my sister and I, we had five of them, for some reason.), or else I'd find a way to send one to you. Actually, I think it was my dad who pointed out the mistake to the parent who ordered them.

At 7/26/06, 3:31 PM, Blogger "Ms. Cornelius" said...

And the really bad thing is, why didn't they just sing the song in their heads: "O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A Oklahoooooooma! Yow!"

At 7/28/06, 8:18 AM, Blogger Tim said...

>> And if you didn't get at least one tornado, then they gave you the "vacation" package.

We got two tornados in the four weeks. What do you call that package? :-)

At 7/29/06, 8:00 AM, Blogger "Ms. Cornelius" said...

Sadly, Tim, I would call that "a normal Oklahoma summer." ;-)

Which is why this whole idea is perfect. Let's see how Naked Guy deals with THAT.


Post a Comment

<< Home

free statistics