Blender purees its attempt to list the fifty worst songs of all time
Mike in Texas had a link to Blender's list of the Fifty Worst Songs of All Time. Apparently, these guys had NO sense of humor, because I find some songs like "Two Princes," by the Spin Doctors, amusing-- not great, but there's so much out there that is worse! Now I can hate on anything by Uncle Kracker. That's just gross. But what a missed opportunity! This is such a fertile field in which to cultivate an appreciation of the truly awful.
So here are just FIFTY-ONE of the ones they missed. I am not even going to repeat any of those with which I agree from the original list. I even will break them down into categories for clarity's sake. But we haven't even begun to plumb the depths here.
Okay? Let's go!
1. The Macarena, by Los Del Rio-- Convinced millions of people to caress their own behinds in public, usually while wearing formal wear.
2. Le Freak, by Chic-- Disco zombies who could come up with four whole words in French to repeat over and over.
3. Mickey, by Toni Basil-- never let a dancer sing. There's a lesson for you, Madonna.
4. Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go, by Wham!-- Sure, I bought the straight act from George Michael. Uh-huh. Choose life. And avoid public restrooms.
5. On the Radio, by Donna Summer-- Disco didn't die because of this song, but it started staggering soon afterward.
6. Fly, by Sugar Ray-- I just want to puke. People who host Entertainment Tonight have to be stopped, musically speaking.
HAIR MAKES THE BAND:
7. I Want Action, by Poison-- if only this was, "I Want Poison," by Action.
8. Karma Chameleon, by Culture Club-- there is no excuse for Blender missing this one. If you're going to use the "too easy" standard, then half your list disappears. Boy George bragged that he couldn't read music. We could tell.
9. Come on, Eileen, by Dexy's Midnight Runners-- Two different songs, keys, and tempos all at once! It's twice as awful!
10. Superfreak, by Rick James-- I always figured he was bound to get arrested as some sort of sex offender. What, he did? Oh.
11. Girl You Know It's True, by Milli Vanilli--The greatest shame in the whole sorry tale lies with those who actually SANG this crap, not the puppets dancing in the videos.
12. Electric Avenue, by Eddie Grant-- "Out in DE STREETS! Out in de PLAYground! In de DARK side of TOWN!" And the synthesized motorcycle revving added that certain je ne sais quoi of tastelessness that Eddie's patois lacked.
13. Rock You Like a Hurricane, by the Scorpions-- Oooh, fake German Metal and tight perms!
14. Photograph, by Def Leppard-- Those high notes. Those tight pants. Righteous.
15. Take It On The Run, by REO Speedwagon-- Kevin, if only you'd had those adenoids removed....
16. Separate Ways, by Journey--Bom bom BOM bom BOM bombombom BOM bomBOM! And it didn't take Steve Perry too long to go his separate ways from Journey. They're touring this summer with Heart and Cheap Trick, and I just paid waaay too much when I don't even want to see the headliners because I adore the Wilson sisters. Sorry, Neal. The word is "Overwrought."
NEPOTISM (People who got a record deal by being related to someone famous):
17. Kiss Kiss Kiss, by Yoko Ono-- Oh My God, how much love-- blind, deaf, besotted love-- did it take to put a microphone in this woman's hand?
18. Cherokee Outlaw, by Tim McGraw-- How hard would it be to know that your wife AND your Dad were more talented than you?
19. She's So High, by Tai Bachman-- I wonder who really was high when this one was written.
PETS AND PATHOS:
20. Shannon, by Henry Gross-- An Irish Setter drowns. If she'd been on a leash, you moron, that wouldn't have happened unless she'd have taken you with her. Hmmm.
21. Ben, by Michael Jackson-- a song about a rat. That's a kid's best friend.
22. Wildfire, by Michael Martin Murphy-- "She ran calling, "WILDfire!" The poor horsie was lost in a blizzard. That bothered us more that the girl dying in the killing frost. What does that say about us?
VIBRATO HIDES A LOT OF CHEESE:
23. Honey, by Bobby Goldsboro-- and to make it worse, he then vocally vomited all over the animated version of The Hobbitt, which was all we had for so many years until Peter Jackson promised us rescue. Gaah!
24. How Can You Mend a Broken Heart, by the Bee Gees-- the breathy quality of that "AHHHHHHHH..." shrunk testicles everywhere.
SCORES AND SOUNDTRACKS:
25. Up Where We Belong, by Kim Carnes and Joe Cocker-- "Who knows what tomorrow brings/ In a world, few hearts survive/ All I know is the way I feel/ When it's real, I keep it alive...." There ARE mountains in our way. That's why Mr. Nobel created dynamite.
26. Eye of the Tiger, by Survivor-- cheesier than the Rocky movie that spawned this piece of tripe.
27. Do You Know? (Theme from Mahogany), by Diana Ross-- what happens when a diva is given a star vehicle in which to act? Three examples: The Jazz Singer, with Neil Diamond, Glitter, with Maria Carey, and Mahogany, with Diana Ross. This song was the prettiest thing in the whole mess.
28. One Night in Bangkok, by Murray Head-- picture a bunch of Broadway producers completely hopped up on something in the halcyon days before they came up with the brilliant idea of turning commercials or movies into Broadway plays in a subversion of everything that is good and right in the world. "Hey, let's have the guys from ABBA write a musical about a board game!" Yeah, and someone still hasn't been punished for this: "The bars are temples but the pearls ain't free/You'll find a god in every golden cloister..."
29. This Girl is a Woman Now, by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap-- And, speaking of Thailand, this one's a pedophile's manifesto. I wonder if Gary Puckett ever trolled Bangkok with Gary Glitter?
30. Me So Horny, by 2 Live Crew-- Not if you were the last men on Earth.
31. You Were Meant for Me, by Jewel-- "People been used" when they spent money on this nauseating nervous breakdown. Let him go, already. He's just not that into you.
32. Sunglasses at Night, by Corey Hart-- Needs no explanation, but now you're hearing this one in your head, aren't you? Bwahhahaha!
33. I Want to Kiss You All Over, by Exile-- More cowbell! MORE COWBELL! Nothin' says sexy like cowbell....
TOO MANY DIVAS SPOIL THE SONG:
34. Do They Know It's Christmas? by People Who Should Have Known Better-- Yes, it was for a wonderful cause. But write a check next time, or do a real song and forbid Cyndi Lauper to wear so many bracelets.
35. That's What Friends Are For, By Elton John, Gladys Knight, Stevie Wonder, and Dionne Warwick-- That's what you get when you party with Dionne's niece before recording a song. And she ruined poor Bobby Brown too. I think we can blame Whitney for the whole thing.
SONGS THAT CONTAIN SPELLING LESSONS:
36. Hollabackgirl, by Gwen Stefani-- Spell "bananas" for me. Girl, you are too white bread to pull this off.
37. Fergilicious, by Fergie-- And here I thought it was "dulishus...." The message here: I'm not a tramp, I'm just a tease. Sets back the women's movement singlehandedly.
THE GOOD FIGHT:
38. Fernando, by ABBA-- Nothing like the Spanish Civil War for some stirring pop music.
39. The Night Chicago Died, by Paper Lace-- "I heard my mama cry/ I heard her pray the night Chicago died..." That's all I need to say. Just say no to joining the mafia, kids-- that's a lesson we all could follow.
40. Kung Fu Fighting, by Carl Douglas-- Whoa-hoa- HOAAAAAAAA! Even made David Carradine cringe. And HE was easy.
MUSIC USED TO ADVERTISE FEMININE GROOMING PRODUCTS:
41. Venus, by Bananarama-- did they name the razor after the song, or the song after the razor?
42. Intuition, by Jewel-- another razor marketed to help us denude our gams. I got the irony of what Jewel was trying to say about having to sell yourself in the music biz. I just didn't like it.
EVEN THE REALLY GOOD ARTISTS CAN HAVE AN OFF DAY (Or, don't force it just to round out the album, please, because some radio stations will play ANYTHING)
43. Leaving Las Vegas, by Sheryl Crow-- Darling, I've heard you sing before you were famous, and you can do so much better than that.
44. Sowing the Seeds of Love, by Tears for Fears-- Please, even when the Beatles used those sound effects, they should have told Sir George Martin to shove it. Shamelessly derivative and yet random at the same time.
45. Physical, by Olivia Newton John-- It wouldn't have been more shocking if Amy Grant had done a cover of "Superfreak."
46. Hurts So Bad, by Linda Ronstadt-- This one would have sucked even in her Spanish phase. Perhaps more. I'll have to think about that.
47. Little Jeannie, by Elton John-- All of a sudden, Captain Fantastic loses his mind and marries a German frau. The result? He tries to dress butch and ruins everything.
SHAMELESS EXPLOITATION OF NATIVE AMERICANS
48. Cherokee People, by Paul Revere and the Raiders-- If they'd only pursed their mouths and gone, "Woo-woo-woo-wooooo!" by hitting their lips with their hands, it would have been even more perfect.
49. Half-Breed, by Cher-- Bob Mackie's outfits were definitely the best thing about Cher's performance here. And since we're talking about music here, that's not a complement.
(see also Cherokee Outlaw. Why are my people victimized so?)
THEY CALL ME MELLOW YELLOW:
50. I Write the Songs, by Barry Manilow-- "I am MUSIC! And I WRITE THE SOOOOOOOONGGGSSSSSS!!!!!"
51. Riding With the Wind, Christopher Cross-- you have to be really mellow to produce an entire album this comatose, and this was the edgiest thing on there. Recreational drug use might explain it.
BONUS CATEGORY: SONGS THAT HELPED INFLICT NICOLE RICHIE ON AN UNSUSPECTING PUBLIC:
Hello, by Lionel Ritchie-- "I've been alone with you inside my mind..." Thank God they have medication for that now.
Three Times a Lady, by the Commodores-- Is this guy thanking his lady for dumping him? Man, she's GOOD.
Brick House, by the Commodores-- "She's mighty mighty; just letting it all hang out..." There's hope for us fat girls yet. Now if Nicole would only EAT something.
And there you have it.