It's that time of year when kids (and teachers) are losing it

Is it spring? Already? Must be-- the temperature just jumped an average of forty degrees around here. Therefore, a few friendly public service announcements from your harried local high school teacher:

1. Rejection and acceptance letters from colleges are arriving in mailboxes all over the country. Genuine anguish and elation will ensue. Beware of this season, and if you know any high school seniors, treat each of them solicitously like a bear with a sore paw until the all clear is blown in May. Listen for, as Inigo Montoya so aptly put it, "the sound of ultimate suffering" being emitted from a teenager near you, and respond with kleenex and double mocha lattes. Or chocolate.

2. Senioritis has blossomed like a mushroom cloud over many a school building. Pranks are in the works. If you teach in a rural area, consider this your greased-pig alert-- it's probably the only one you will get from a reliable source. Other unfortunate farm creatures who may get swept into the maelstrom include cows, who will go up stairs but resist going down stairs; horses, which actually are just furry containers to temporarily hold then emit enormous amounts of "numbers one and two" upon pristine hallway floors; and chickens, who apparently have wings for no reason whatsoever except to fry them and coat them in a yummy sauce consisting of "El Muerte" hot sauce and butter. If you teach in a more urban setting, the kids will still probably try to procure the barnyard animals, or set loose snakes in the building, or mice. The mind reels.

3. Advanced placement tests will begin to be given the first week of May. An enormous sigh of relief will be issued all across the country which may accelerate global warming on May 11. Hopefully this breath will not reek of numerous double mocha lattes with a shot of motor oil from QuikTrip.

4. It is also NCLB testing time. My kids' elementary school has now offered eight-- EIGHT!!-- parents' meetings about these dread invaders from the state department of education.

To misquote a famous poem (apologies to William Carlos Williams, and indeed all English majors everywhere):

so much depends
upon
a magic test score
or letter

glazed with portent
and rainwater

beside the white
chickens.

(Who've been
traumatized
by the senior
class.)



You have been warned.