From the Acme Teacher Innovation Co.

After the last week, here are some things that I wish had been invented or that I possessed:

1. Wood stain with natural repellent to dogs with no sense who like to chew wood-- the more expensive the wood, the more delicious, apparently. Bitter Apple washes off, and that's a problem.
1a. Carpet that would naturally repel dogs from piddling on it.

2. A handheld scanner so that when a kid is in violation, I could simply scan their ID --or their fingertip, since kids seem to never have their ID on-- and the referral would write itself and send itself to the appropriate principal. This scanner would also translate slang words immediately into my ear so that I wouldn't have to wait until I could get to a computer and go to urbandictionary.com for enlightenment.

3. Pencils that would magically teleport themselves back to my room when kids cadge them.

4. Paid vacation time for teachers. It wouldn't take much, just maybe three days, but most people are not aware that we're one of the few professions that get no paid vacation. News flash: our summers "off," as you so charmingly put it, are UNPAID. I would use my vacation to go and supervise my children's school activities. I find a strange disconnect between the school wanting parents involved and giving us no ethical way to get involved if we are teachers. Obviously, calling in sick would be an easily discoverable fraud. And you would think they'd be glad to make it possible for trained professionals to come along and help supervise. But perhaps that makes too much sense.

5. As a prom special, I would like to invent a car that samples the air when people get in it, and locks the ignition if ANYONE in the car tests over the limit for alcohol or tests positive for the aroma of certain smoked substances that make people act stupid and drive recklessly. Of course, this could have other applications as well. But I'd like my model to lock people IN the car while parents or police are called.

6. Some sort of current or forcefield that would prevent grackles from eating the good bugs in my garden and dumping huge caterpillar sized turds in the garden fountain. This forcefield could also be used to prevent my neighbor from parking his vomit-colored 1959 Buick Skylark station wagon directly behind my driveway. This piece of crap leaves a little bread-crumb trail of rusted-off pieces every time he moves it.

7. A jet-propelled giant cork that could be shot from my yard to my neighbor's mouth when he is cursing loudly at his kid.

8. Special x-ray glasses that would allow besotted girls and guys to see their significant others as they really are BEFORE they've spent six hundred bucks getting ready for prom.